I am so glad I posted this because some of your responses really made me feel a lot better. And K8YCat I think that we're the same person LOL
It's hard because like you said, I've never fit in anywhere. I still don't fit in anywhere. Except in this Katy Perry fandom. Because no one here is going to tell me such negative things. I'm not really part of my family. My aunt calls me a freak everytime we talk because I'm "too old" to obsess over Katy Perry, or go to anime conventions, or play videogames. And for the most part, everyone else agrees. At this point in my life I should be about to finish college. I should have a job where my coworkers dont bully me and I'm making more than minimum wage, I should be moving out of my dad's apartment. But life is tough.
I had to take a break from college due to owing the school money, and I also had a lot going on at the time and wasn't able to focus on my studies. I became a fan when I first heard IKAG on Myspace. That was my first experience with girls liking girls or boys or whatever. And I was very confused at the time because I ALWAYS found myself looking more at girls then guys, finding them really attractive. One of my online friends actually linked me the song because she thought I WOULDN'T like it, but knew it related to my confusion a little. I listened and right away fell in love with the song, and Katy. And I started learning that girls COULD like girls, even though Katy isn't a lesbian obv, my whole family are very anti-gay they don't like religions that aren't ours, they don't like other ethnicity and here I am accepting everyone. loving everyone. and really confused about my feelings. I'm still confused. But I know I'm not a lesbian, and I know I'm not straight. I'm a lot less confused then I was back then.
As I heard more of her music I became more of a fan. Because there is so much behind Katy. Just watching an interview I've seen 100s of times can make me smile in the worst of moods because I genuinely love her. Yesterday was one of the worst days ever at work. I was crying in the car on my way home and suddenly firework came on and it turned into happy crying because I NEEDED Katy in that moment, and even though it's not like she hacked my radio to play the song. She was there. I have my huge Katy wall and sometimes when I'm really sad, or crying I just stare at it. At her smiles and beauty and tell myself I'll be okay. I'm at a rough part in my life right now and especially lately I've been kind of back and forth with suicidal thoughts.. but then I'm like "well I need to hold on at least until August. I need to experience her new tour.." and then I laugh at myself for putting a pause on those thoughts so I can see Katy. And I know I never will actually go through with it. Because there will always be a reason not to. And Katy is my reason.
I wish my friends and family could understand that. But they don't. And won't. My best friend from highschool.. we aren't really friends anymore but she has the same obsessive fangirl thing going that I do, so she understood and helped fuel my fangirling. My friends are okay for the most part. I have one friend who if I bring up Katy she brings up how much she hates her and is like "Lauren really, if you don't want to hear me talk bad about her.. stop bringing her up!" I have another friend who hates her a lot, but she agreed to watch the movie with me because "Even though I hate her, you're my friend and I know it will mean a lot to you if I watch it" and though it didn't make her a Katy fan. And she still hates her music, she respects Katy as a person now, and her mom walked in mid movie and she explained all of this stuff that went on in the movie and she was like "she's really inspiring" and it did make me happy. And even though she's never going to like the music, she understands now why Katy means so much to me.